“Our economies all over the world are built on the backs of women’s unpaid labor”
Melinda Gates
India may be the world’s fastest‑growing large economy, but for much of its middle class, living in the US is still a powerful aspiration. When IT opened doors in the 90s, it created a path to a life that once felt reserved for the very rich, and like many others, we rode that wave—our H‑1B felt like a lottery ticket to the “land of opportunity.” But that ticket comes with a heavy price for H‑4 spouses, 90% of whom are women.
The first thing you lose, ironically in the “land of the free,” is your own freedom. Some H‑4 spouses can afford to go back to school, but many still struggle to find H‑1B sponsors even after getting offers. Others volunteer, some decide to have children, and too many end up isolated at home. I arrived with a six‑month‑old baby and was fortunate to have a joint family and huge support from my sister‑in‑law Annu, something I remain deeply grateful for. But I’ve met many H‑4 women who were lonely, depressed, and drowning in guilt for “being a burden.
My own self‑worth started eroding under seemingly simple things: invasive questions like “What do you do all day?”, the unspoken rule that once I no longer had a paid job the entire household and childcare automatically became “my” responsibility—very different from when we both worked and chores were at least somewhat shared—and living with kind but far more settled relatives whose very different lifestyle didn’t pressure us directly, but still quietly amplified my own financial and emotional stress in my head.
For many H‑4 spouses, it starts with loneliness and slowly snowballs into marital tension—one income, one car, no independent finances, and in some cases, controlling partners who won’t even let their wives drive. In the worst situations, dependence slides into domestic abuse. In 2015, a rule change finally allowed certain H‑4 spouses—those whose H‑1B partners had reached key milestones in the green card process—to apply for an Employment Authorization Document (EAD). I was one of the lucky ones who got an EAD, and I will never forget that day: the thing I’d longed for so desperately arrived right as I was starting chemo, a strange overlap of hope and fear.
Even so, the rule came late and has limits. The process is slow, many employers hesitate to hire H‑4 EAD holders because of perceived visa uncertainty, and thousands remain in limbo. Going back to India is, in theory, an option—but in reality it’s tangled with children’s schooling, safety, social freedom, lifestyle, loans, responsibilities back home, and the years already invested chasing a green card. People may label you “greedy” for staying despite the pain; let them. Only you know your trade‑offs.
What is not worth sacrificing is your health and self‑esteem. H‑4 depression, left unchecked, doesn’t solve visas, careers, or marriages. The first step is to name it. Things do shift over time—laws change, kids grow, opportunities appear in unexpected ways—but none of that is helped by slowly breaking yourself from inside. Weigh what you are calling “failure” (no job, no SSN, no credit, special licenses that remind you of your second‑class status) against what it is costing your body, your relationships, and your sense of self.
And never forget this: if you put a number on the unpaid labour you are doing—cooking, cleaning, childcare, scheduling, emotional load—your contribution is far from zero. Global estimates suggest that women’s unpaid care work is worth around 10–11 trillion dollars a year, and would add roughly 9% to global GDP if it were counted. Analyses in the US alone show that if women were paid minimum wage for domestic work, the total would reach into the trillions annually. At an average of 4.5 hours of chores a day, you’re easily “earning” the equivalent of tens of thousands of dollars a year for the household, even if no one is writing you a paycheck.
So the next time someone asks, “What do you do all day?”, you might want to share pieces like these:
Beyond Limits: Finding Myself Through Cancer, H4 and Career 